What’s in a Name? After a Divorce, Plenty.

What do you consider core to your identity (i.e., the things that make you “you”)? Is it your relationships with the people around you? Your profession? Your own personality and quirks? How about your last name?

These are not idle musings when you’re in the thick of a divorce. As if the hundred other decisions you’re forced to make weren’t enough, if you took on your spouse’s last name (or merely added it to your own), you also have to choose what you’re going to do with your name. What should you do with this remnant of your past life? And what will your new identity be?

With everything going on, you may be tempted to take the path of least resistance and do whatever feels most expedient in the moment. But if you’re thoughtful, you can use one decision that’s completely in your hands as the starting point of crafting your identity after divorce – and do it in a way that honors your authentic emotional self while best positioning you for your next chapter.

7 questions to help you decide on your name

Your legal name is tangled up in a web of complex issues. There are the emotional ones, inevitably tied to your feelings about the marriage itself. Then there are the more practical consequences that may impact your future in significant ways.

Unpack the issue and gain clarity by asking yourself the following seven questions to help make your decision:

1) How closely is your sense of identity tied to your last name?

Is your married name how you’re known, recognized and respected in the community? Does your married name embody the valuable professional reputation you’ve worked hard to earn? How long have you had your married name? The longer you’ve been married, the more your core identities tend to be wrapped up in your married name. Consider the ties, the recognition, and even the professional reputation you may be giving up along with your married name. Is the change worth it to you?

While you’re at it, don’t forget to think about your emotional reaction to taking on a name you may have last identified with as a young adult. Would you feel comfortable being given the same moniker you had then? After all, you may consider yourself as a very different (and better) person now than you were then – and you probably are.

2) How do you feel about your marriage?

Does thinking of your marriage and subsequent divorce invoke mostly good and neutral memories, or unhappy and painful ones? If mentioning your married name triggers negative feelings, starting over with a new name may well be worth the cost to gain fresh, positive feelings about yourself and your future life.

3) How do you feel about having a different last name than your kids?

If you have kids, does it cause you a pang to lose this connection with them at a time when you may feel like you’re already losing so much? Will you feel more connected, and more easily able to make the transition if you can keep at least this one thing unchanged? Then consider keeping your married name.

4) How important is your name to your professional reputation and future livelihood?

Have you worked hard for years, maybe decades, to earn the professional reputation that will help you build your financial future? If you’re an author or industry expert, for example, your future income may hinge on how easily your audience can discover you through means like web searches.

Your name is often part of your “brand.” If you risk losing recognition and future income by changing your last name, consider retaining it to preserve your income prospects and financial security.

5) Do you have the time and willingness to go through the formalities and hassle of making the name change?

As with all legal matters, changing your name involves a lot of red tape and formalities that will inevitably take more of your time and attention than you think. Happily, though, there are many services that can ease the hassle and do it on your behalf for a small charge. If you have the bandwidth or don’t mind paying a small fee to take care of the formalities, a name change may be well worth the price.

6) Is remarriage on the horizon?

Are you open to reconsidering marriage in the future? If so, what would you want to do with your name at that time – whether you change your name now or not? Give this some thought. By doing so, you’ll be clearer on the ramifications if you decide to tie the knot with the right person in the future.

7) Is your spouse making your post-divorce name a negotiation issue?

It may be surprising to hear that to change your name, the option must be put in your divorce decree. Don’t make the mistake of signing a document without it, or you’ll need to get an amendment, which means more legal fees and court action. A court won’t and can’t force you to change your name against your will. However, your divorcing spouse may think it important enough to make it an item in the divorce negotiation. They may do this for emotional or other reasons. Whatever the case, think through carefully if you’re willing to give up valuable negotiating chips before you decide on your position. The answers you gave to the six questions above should help you make a more informed decision either way.

How to change your name

Okay, you’ve weighed your options and have decided to start your next chapter with a name change. What should you do next?

There are two main sets of actions you need to take:

1. Making the legal change as recognized by the courts
2. Updating your name in all the places that matter

Making the court-recognized change

The laws to change your name will vary by state. In most states, you can start with a court document that is usually your final divorce decree or your initial petition for dissolution for marriage. In your documents, be sure to include language to specifically request the change back to your birth name.

It’s possible your state requires you to submit a petition after the divorce, similar to anyone else wanting a name change (for reasons other than a divorce). California, for example, will allow a name change either before the divorce is final or after. All you need to do is submit your application as per instructions on their website. In many states, like Illinois for example, you can put in a request for a formal order with the judge to begin using your maiden name prior to the divorce being finalized. If extra costs are an issue, it may be worth waiting until the divorce is finalized. Get the right details for your particular state.

Updating your new name where it matters

It’s not enough just to have the courts recognize your name change – it’s critically important to reflect that change in the areas with big impact on your future. To help you prioritize, we categorized these into tiers, so you ensure you take care of the big items first:

Tier 1: Critical legal status items

• Social Security card
• Driver’s license / state ID
• Passport

Tier 2: Financially impactful items

• Bank and financial accounts
• Wills/trusts/estate planning documents
• Mortgages/deeds
• Insurance policies
• State tax authority (IRS will be notified through the Social Security Administration)
• Vehicle registration and title

Tier 3: Changes to other necessary items

• Credit cards
• Debts (such as student loans)
• School/work payroll/benefits, including company retirement plans
• Utility bills
• Voter registration
• Loyalty or points programs
• Children’s school

Make it easier on yourself

Consider starting with the Social Security card and your driver’s license. Bring the original court document with the proper stamps or notaries to the Social Security Administration office or the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV).  

A word to the wise: look up your state’s DMV site to make sure you have all the documents you need before making the trip to your local driver’s license facility. They’re notorious for long wait times and demanding requirements, so spending a few minutes up front could save you a lot of hassle down the road.

If you want to make this even easier, consider a service that does all the work for you. NewlyNamed is one such service that takes much of the work off your shoulders. On this site, you’ll fill out an online questionnaire to receive a hard-copy or electronic name change kit that will streamline the entire process and take care of it for you, in exchange for a modest fee.

Now it’s back to you. Which path will best serve your future goals and aspirations? Your answer will help determine the appropriate next steps to take regarding your name.

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