5 Steps To Make Your Divorce Less Painful

Divorce. This was not a word on your mind the day you said, “I do.” But here you are, faced with the prospect of ending your marriage.

Whether you saw this coming or not, you’re about to make a series of big decisions. It’s likely that none of them seem to have any good options. Yet, virtually every decision could have significant financial, legal and personal impact for you, your soon-to-be former spouse and any children involved, regardless of their age. Many decisions will have ripple effects for extended family, community and social circles as well.

What’s the best way to navigate this potential minefield with the least collateral damage? How do you protect yourself from unnecessary conflict? And, more broadly, where do you go from here?

This roadmap will guide you through the rocky road ahead, one step at a time: 

1. Be sure about what you want

It sounds simple, yet most people approach their divorce determined to get what’s fair without thoughtful evaluation of what they want, what they don’t want and what they need.

Try this exercise to gain clarity on what you really want. Draw three buckets at the top of a page and label them “need,” “want” and “let it go,” respectively. Then begin listing items below each bucket. Be brutally honest with yourself about what you really need and want. This will also be a handy visual to help you stay on course while negotiating with your partner.

While counterintuitive, it’s also important to consider what your spouse really wants, and why. The more you and your lawyer understand what motivates your spouse, the better positioned you will be to decide what to ask for, what to fight for and what you can live without.

2. Understand that it’s all business now

When you married your spouse, you entered into a legal contract. Sure, there were feelings involved, but you also signed a binding contract that day. Now you are entering into a lawsuit to terminate that contract.

Divorce, however, is more than a court case; it’s a lawsuit against a person you once loved and maybe still do. It is important to navigate the business aspects of the case and do your best to keep your emotions in check. While it’s critical to acknowledge and process your emotions with the appropriate people at the appropriate time, you must remember that this is the legal dividing of your marital assets and responsibilities, governed by law.

Divorce laws differ from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Work with your legal team to understand your rights but be prepared that things may not always feel “fair”. Being aware of the law can help you create settlement negotiations around you your top divorce priorities, maintaining your dignity intact.

3. Know your numbers

Review your tax returns and financial statements on all assets you own, your partner owns, or that you own jointly to give you a better understanding of where you stand today. Keep a record of those you know about, and those you don’t know about. It can also be helpful to begin tracking your expenses and make sure you continue to have access to money, maintaining access to any joint bank accounts, for example.

Before you interview a solicitor, organise as many of the financial records that you can access, in order to you make the most of your time them. At some point, you’ll likely need to some sort of asset disclosure document (in England and Wales it is a Form E), which is often required by the court. Your lawyer will help you complete this, so it’s important to get the most accurate information possible and document where you took the numbers from. If you don’t have access, your solicitor can determine the best way to get the information for you. 

4. Create your “empowerment” team

While your friends and family care about you, even the most well-intentioned advice may cause confusion and unnecessary stress. And could even prove to be inaccurate. You’ll be making the most difficult and important financial decisions of your life during an emotionally chaotic time, so the support of a professional team is crucial to help you process from a position of strength, not weakness.

Work with a solicitor who specialises in family law to help you decide which route suits you best: mediation, collaborative or traditional litigation. Each has its benefits and drawbacks, so selecting the right fit for your family’s unique interests could help reduce the amount of time, cost and conflict involved. 

Now is also the time to find experts, such as a Corient Wealth Adviser, to help guide you through the financial and tax aspects of divorce. If you have not already engaged a solicitor, your Corient Team can help find you find a good fit. Additionally, you might consider a divorce coach to manage the emotional and psychological aspects. 

The cost of divorce includes you time and effort as well as the legal and professional fees.  While it can be tempting to try to do as much as you can yourself it can end up being more efficient to have a strong professional team to support you.

5. Remember you are writing your next chapter

Try not to let emotion and exhaustion be factors in signing a bad deal. Once you have come to some agreement, keep in mind that the document is only as good as it’s legally enforceable. There are many logistics in terms of re-titling assets and removing names from debt that you’ll need to take care of. Practical implementation of this document is imperative.

As difficult as it may be, keep looking forward rather than in the rearview mirror. Remind yourself that the decisions you make today are the foundation of your future. Nurture yourself, stay hopeful and try to be open to all possibilities. Focus on the business and financial aspects while addressing the emotional and psychological challenges. The end of your marriage may or may not be amicable, but you can choose to manage your emotions and prioritise so that the divorce and co-parenting might be. Each step you take proactively – and the missteps you avoid – will get you closer to the future you want to create.

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