Considering Divorce? Start Here.

The beginning of the year is often the time for contemplation and action. Divorce is no different. Like any significant life event, it requires a great deal of reflection, planning, organizing and hiring the right team.

When determining if now is the right time to take the first step toward divorce, it’s important to remember that the best results start when you “begin with the end in mind.” To set yourself and your loved ones up for long-term success, it is important that you think in terms of the following steps:

1. Start with discernment counseling

If you are not yet sure that you want a divorce, discernment counseling can be a great first step. In fact, it can be a very smart step even if you are sure that you want a divorce.

Consider that while marriage counseling typically promotes change, discernment counseling promotes decision-making. The goal is that in one-to-five sessions you and your spouse decide whether it is best to maintain your status quo, proceed with divorce, or commit to six months of couples therapy with a clear agenda for change.

It’s worth noting that the bulk of time and money spent in divorce court is typically on parenting-time and finances. So, whether you ultimately decide to restructure your family into separate households or to remain in one, working these things out with a discernment counselor might save you months (or years) and thousands of dollars in the legal process. It is especially effective if one of you is resistant to divorce. You can find a degreed, licensed and experienced professional here.

2. Communicate early and often

If you have not yet told your spouse that you are contemplating divorce, perhaps you should. It’s much better to approach them about wanting to change your marriage rather than to blindside them with divorce papers.

If you’re not quite ready to share that you are contemplating divorce, perhaps start by telling them you’d like to become more involved with the finances. The new year is a great time to look at whether you are on track for retirement and try to foster healthy communications around money. If your spouse refuses to have detailed discussions about money, this will give you helpful insight when deciding how to proceed.

3. Check your finances

Knowing where the money is, what you owe, what you own, what’s coming in, and what’s going out will help you make smarter decisions about whether to keep the marital home, how to allocate children’s expenses, and how to divide assets and debts.

As a first step, run your credit report to see what loans and debt are outstanding in your name. Locking or freezing your credit file will prevent your spouse from opening any new credit in your name. Additionally, try to get the last three years of your tax returns, current statements on your investment and retirement accounts, and credit cards, auto loans, or mortgages. If you don’t have access to any of the information and do not want to ask your spouse, don’t worry. Once you hire an attorney, they will be able to get access.

4. Set your priorities and stick to them

Friends, family and even experts may have conflicting opinions. To avoid stress, frustration and excessive legal fees, it will be critical to keep yourself laser focused on what you want for yourself, your kids, and the relationship you want with your soon-to-be former spouse.

Think not only about this year but look 3-10 years out as well. Considering key future milestones and life events, like your children’s weddings or the birth of a grandchild, may also help to keep you on course.

And when it comes to timing, it is common for couples to wait to divorce until the kids are in college—thinking it will be easier for the kids when they are out of the marital home. However, moving while the children are in middle or high school gives them a chance to acclimate to their new realities while they still have you and your spouse to rely on each day. Waiting until they are in college may have them coming home for breaks to two new homes, which may not provide the stability you were envisioning for any of you.

5. Find your team

While last, it is certainly not least. Finding the right team is critical to restructuring your marriage with the least amount of cost, conflict and collateral damage. We place it last because the better you understand your priorities and your path, the better you will be in effectively selecting and employing your team. 

Consider creating a brand new email before you reach out to divorce professionals. Having a discrete divorce email—and keeping all divorce communications with them and your spouse in that account—will make it easier to search past records and to avoid being triggered when accessing your work email or children’s school notifications.

Below are key professionals most couples need:

a. Legal—divorce and estate attorneys

b. Financial—tax preparer, financial advisor and possibly other specific experts for valuations, mortgages and insurance

c. Emotional—divorce coach, therapist, and supportive family and friends

Remember that divorce often takes 1-2 years. Avoid common pitfalls like sharing a computer that shows your web browsing history or accidentally having notifications go to your spouse when you’re trying to access financial accounts.

So, is it time to take the first step on your divorce journey?

For more information on how to best approach divorce, contact Heather Locus, Corient Wealth Advisor and Head of Divorce Group, at heather.locus@corient.com.

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