5 Tips for creating a Happy Holiday and New Year, divorce and all

At the end of each year, we often reflect on our lives as we also look toward the future. When an existing tradition no longer seems appropriate for your circumstances, sometimes it’s best to simply let it go and create a new, meaningful tradition that honors your priorities without adding undue stress.

For instance, if your divorce is new and you have children, consider sending a New Year’s card with two pictures of your kids: one with each parent and your respective addresses. What a classy way to announce that your family now has two houses.

The holidays may elicit a range of emotions for many of us. The excitement of gifts and special time with family and friends can be offset by the stress of holiday shopping, visiting and events. While, over time, divorced families may acclimate to the day-to-day challenges of multiple houses, the holidays can still trigger difficult emotions even a decade or more after going through a divorce. Regardless of how many houses and emotions you have to navigate, find the happy in the holidays with these five tips:

1. Be intentional

What matters most to you? Whether it’s creating a special experience with your kids, completing a project or simply taking the time to rest, write down your top priorities and make them happen. Enjoy treasured time with those you love and who uplift you. Refuse to focus on past issues and encourage others to do likewise. Write out what positive memories you intend to create. Acknowledge that challenges do exist, but concentrate on why your glass is half full, with plenty of room to top up your joy!

2. Understand that you’re not alone and have choices

While you may feel like everyone else has a happy family to celebrate with while you’re currently unattached, the most recent U.S. Census reports that almost 127 million adults are unmarried, making up nearly 50% of U.S. citizens over 18.1 Try to keep as many routines and family traditions that still work while being flexible and adapting where needed. When a past tradition no longer fits, simply let it go and create a new meaningful tradition that honors your priorities without adding stress.

3. Reframe your mindset

A colleague once told me that, growing up, she always felt bad leaving her mom alone after opening Christmas gifts to go celebrate with her dad. Years later, she learned that her mom actually savored her guilt-free solitude after Christmas morning together. If you’re up for the challenge, consider a joint event with your former spouse and your children—for the sake of your children. Outings such as a movie allow your children to enjoy time with both of you in a neutral setting without requiring too much direct interaction with your ex. One of the best presents you can give your children is to demonstrate maturity and foster a positive relationship with their other parent throughout the year.

4. Give gifts that keep on giving

Studies show that doing good deeds for others can help reduce anxiety and improve your overall health.2 Try volunteering and doing random acts of kindness. Charitable donations provide vital support to causes you believe in and may also reduce how much you pay in taxes. Include your children in volunteering and philanthropic support. It might help them develop a spirit of generosity and become financially (and socially) responsible adults.

Include yourself on the gift list with an investment in your future. Enroll in advanced education or maximize your retirement plan or IRA contributions. At an annual compounded return of 7%, a $5,000 investment will grow to almost $20,000 in 20 years. For kids, consider investing in a unique experience like a leadership mission trip or making contributions to 529 education accounts, an IRA or perhaps a down payment on a home.

While some indulgence is likely appropriate, don’t break your budget and build up stress-inducing debt. If possible, coordinate reasonable kids’ gifts with their other parent. If you hold a lot of anger toward your ex, consider buying yourself a punching bag or book time in a rage or smash room. Yes, they do exist and are a safe way to release tension and also get a great workout! Schedule time with a divorce therapist to help you gain closure on the past and prepare for healthy relationships in the future. Treat yourself to a singles trip, a dating coach, a new look or an interesting book. Stay active and productive!

5. Focus on your future

Most importantly, focus on what you have, not on what you may have lost. This positive “attitude of gratitude” will help you this holiday season and for years to come.

After all, you are still standing! You may be a little bruised, but you’re breathing and have plenty of choices. Your holidays will look different, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Write out your primary goals for the next year or so. Create a life theme that will drive the year you desire, such as “possibilities” or “simplicity.” It’s constructive to always be working toward certain goals and looking to the future with hope and optimism.

This holiday season can be amazing when you focus on what you can control and let go of the negative things you can’t control. Get ready to unwrap many wonderful gifts as you create your next chapter in 2023 and beyond.

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