5 Steps To Make Your Divorce Less Painful

Divorce. This was not a word on your mind the day you said, “I do.” But here you are. Your “I do” has turned into “I don’t.” 

Whether you saw this coming or are reeling from a sideways blow, you’re about to make a series of big decisions. It’s likely that none of them seem to have any good options. Yet, virtually every decision could have significant financial, legal and relational impact for you, your soon-to-be former spouse and any children involved, regardless of their age. Many decisions will have ripple effects for extended family, community and social circles as well.

What’s the best way to navigate this potential mine-field with the least amount of collateral damage? How do you protect yourself from unnecessary conflict? And where do you go from here?

This roadmap will guide you through the rocky road ahead, one step at a time:

1. Know what you want … what you really, really want

This statement sounds simple, yet most people wander through their divorce determined to get what’s fair without thoughtful evaluation of what they want, what they don’t want and what they need.

Try this exercise to gain clarity on what you really, really want. Draw three buckets at the top of a page and label them “need,” “want” and “let it go,” respectively. Then begin listing items below each bucket. Be brutally honest with yourself about what you really need and want. This will also be a handy visual to help you stay on course while negotiating with your soon-to-be former spouse.

While counterintuitive, it’s also important to consider what your spouse really wants, and why. The more you and your attorney understand what motivates your spouse, the better positioned you will be to decide what to ask for, what to fight for and what you can live without.

2. Understand that it’s all business now

When you married your spouse, you entered into a legal contract. Sure, there were feelings and flowers and rings involved, but you also signed a binding contract that day. Now you are entering into a lawsuit to terminate that contract.

You might have never thought of it this way, but the fact is that divorce is a legal proceeding. It’s more than a court case; it’s a lawsuit against a person you once loved and maybe still do. It’s important to navigate the business aspects of the case and do your best to keep your emotions in check. While it’s critical to acknowledge and process your emotions with the appropriate people at the appropriate time, you must remember that this is the legal dividing of your marital assets and responsibilities, governed by state laws.

Divorce laws differ from state to state and, sometimes, are even implemented differently by various judges. It is important you understand your rights and also be prepared that it will not always feel “fair”. If you are aware of the law, it can help you create settlement negotiations in the way that will get you your top divorce priorities with as much grace and dignity as you can.

3. Know your numbers

A great first step is to order your free credit report through AnnualCreditReport.com, which is a federally authorized website operated by the three major credit bureaus in the U.S. (Equifax, Experian and TransUnion). Or, you could try a free digital credit reporting platform like Credit Karma, NerdWallet or others. Your credit report will show your personal data, credit accounts (mortgages, credit cards, etc), inquiries (who has requested a copy of your report), and any public records such as bankruptcies or foreclosures. Your tax returns and financial statements on all assets you own are also good items to review to give you a better understanding of where you stand today. It can also be helpful to begin tracking your expenses and make sure you have a bank account and credit card in your own name.

Before you interview attorneys, organize as much of the financial records that you can access, in order to save you billable hours. At some point, you’ll likely need to create a Financial Affidavit, which is often required by the court. Your attorney will help you complete this affidavit, so it’s important to get the most accurate information possible and document where you took the numbers from. If you don’t have access, don’t worry, your attorney can determine the best way to get the information for you. 

4. Create your “empowerment” team

While your friends and family care about you, even the most well-intentioned advice may cause confusion and unnecessary stress, or could even prove to be inaccurate. You’ll be making the most difficult and important financial decisions of your life during an emotionally chaotic time, so you need a professional team to help you process from a position of strength, not weakness.

Work with an attorney who specializes in family law. You’ll also need to decide which process you will use to get divorced. There are three primary processes: mediation, collaborative or traditional litigation. Each has its benefits and drawbacks, so selecting the right fit for your family’s unique interests could help reduce the amount of time, cost and conflict involved. 

Now is also the time to find experts, such as a Corient Wealth Advisor, to help guide you through the financial and tax aspects of divorce. If you have not already engaged an attorney, your Corient Team can help find you find a good fit. Additionally, you might consider a divorce coach to manage the emotional and psychological aspects. 

The cost of divorce includes the amount of legal and professional fees paid. While it can be tempting to try to do as much as you can yourself, have you ever considered the time and energy you’re investing in the process as “dollars” as well? or the potential opportunities you will miss? Those costs add up and it can end up being more efficient to have a strong professional team

5. Remember you are writing your next chapter

While it’s ideal to remain amicable during the divorce process and easy to lose steam if it has been a long process it’s critical not to sign a bad deal. Once you have come to some agreement, your attorney will likely draft a Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA). The MSA is a lengthy document detailing all the parameters of your divorce, and it’s important to get a second and even third set of eyes to review it closely before you sign.

Keep in mind that the document is only as good as it’s legally enforceable. There are many logistics in terms of re-titling assets and removing names from debt that you’ll need to take care of. Practical implementation of this document is imperative.

As difficult as it may be, keep looking forward rather than in the rearview mirror. Remind yourself that the decisions you make today are the foundation of your future. Make sure to nurture yourself and protect hope. Try your best to be open to all possibilities. Remember that it is important to focus on the business and financial aspects while addressing the emotional and psychological challenges. The end of your marriage may or may not be amicable, but you can choose to manage your emotions and prioritize so that the divorce and co-parenting might be. Each step you proactively take, as well as the missteps you avoid, will get you closer to the future you want to create.

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